One of the reoccurring topics in our group is how we insist on seeing as far down the road as humanly possible, then can't understand why our frustration level is through the ceiling. If I get honest enough, I will ask myself "why do little things set me off?" The more I ponder it, the less I find, UNTIL I listen and share with like minded men who live in this world too! Then I begin to realize (because many of us see things in other people that we miss in ourselves..lol..), that my frustration level in life is always...UP.
From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?
When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".
OK. Been there.
Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.
Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.
If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.
Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.
One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!
I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!
And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.
Peace,
WA
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