I was reading over some material for a completely different posting when I ran across the above words in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."
Mentally, I dropped what I was doing and kept reflecting on the words, "..perplexed, but not in despair..", over and over until recent events in my life started to replay. Just before Christmas our dog was killed. Just after the new year my wife was let go from her job. My job doesn't seem to hold a lot of stability (like any of them really do) and all of this while I am at a critical amends juncture in my recovery.
Now these things are not life threatening and many people have it much worse, but they can lead to things that are life threatening, if not viewed from a healthy standpoint. For me anything that causes emotional stress has to be looked at seriously. For instance, I could give up and fall back into my addiction. Or (perhaps worse) slowly become resentful, angry, hopeless and allow my spiritual life to decay. Then I would fall back into addiction only after dragging my loved ones down with me. I know I can't go back, only forward. Relapse would be worse than never having stopped at all. So in a very real sense, anything I do apart from the grace of God and the love of Christ is potentially threatening for myself and others. Not just in the sense of a heartbeat, but in living with the old, sometimes miserable me. Causing worry and sadness for those I love is like being the black hole that sucks in everything around it and lets no light escape.
Am I not dying a slow, agonizing death if I allow my co-dependant traits to take over, and I fall into a "need to fix" things for my wife? Down that road lies anger and frustration because I can't fix anything. Most of her anxiety right now is centered around having the workplace rug pulled out from under her this year, completely without warning. My natural tendency is to protect her and "fix" the world for her and feel like a complete failure if I can't come up with a new and inventive way for us to make money and support our home. Then, I look around and see other wives who don't have to have jobs at all. Suddenly, within a few minutes, I am less that dirt in my own eyes. I am telling myself that I should be "further along in my life than this" and asking "Wow. How useless am I?"
The truth is, if I have faith, and choose to surround myself with Godly people, I will soon learn that we are all hit by the current economy in different ways, whether we are "self made" or not. If fact, for the self employed it can me much worse with even less stability! And I am further along in my life than I would have been if I had continued to live in my stinkin' thinkin' as well as my addiction.
All of this put together, encourages me that I have Christ, which is a much more stable place to be than anywhere else in the universe. My mind has a shut off switch now that wasn't there before. When my mind starts down one of those dark paths, something clicks and I am reminded that I need to take action. Call someone. Read. Write. Talk. Do anything but isolate. There is no hopelessness, just short term confusion. How do I know it's short term? I don't. But I do know it always has been in the past, so chances are, it will be again. It called faith. Faith in something bigger than myself. Within a few minutes, I am concentrating on the good things in my life and not the negative. I'm not dwelling on what has occurred and cannot be changed. I am moving forward and on to the next thing.
So I have a natural reaction of confusion or shock when something bad happens (perplexed), but I am not hopeless or crushed (despair). I know this because I have attended CR meeting regularly, listening to the experiences of others. I have spent time in church, listening to God's word. I have tools now that I never had before. All because I choose to follow the teachings of God's Son just like millions before me. Believing through faith and His work in my life, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I can continue to live.
Bent but not broken....
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Rant:
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
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