The Facts-
1.I've never met the man. 2. I'm a D-Backs fan, but p.o.'ed at the team/management the last few years. 3. This isn't about baseball.
The Thoughts-
For most of my life I've known what it's like to NOT be able to do something that everyone else could to do. (Fill in the blank or pick something and insert here.) I've had my livelihood threatened by my anxiety disorder. I've had times where driving my car to work was a nightmare, if I made it at all. I've had my pride and self-respect beaten out of me by having to call and ask for a ride when there was really "nothing wrong with me". I've got up and walked out of movies and restaurants more times than I care to count. I've had to turn around and walk out of grocery stores with the cart half full. Stand in line at the bank wondering if I stay still long enough to cash my check.
But I've never had to stand on a mound of dirt, in front of thousands of people, and earn a living.
I can only image that feeling. Maybe you can't feel your legs under you and your body seems seconds from going out of control. When the entire infield feels like it's going to tilt back and forth, just enough to topple you over. I can imagine thinking that I'm going to twitch wrong and be called for a balk or give something away. Ruin an entire game because I can't control myself. If I start my windup and loose my balance I'm going to rush it and throw something wild. I'M GOING TO SCREW UP.
Last night when I read the story of Mr. Willis being let go in AZ I thought, "an anxiety disorder? Him?" I read about how he had fallen on hard times, or was losing his pitching control. How he used to be an amazing talent, but now.....
They rattled off his stats and his "decline" year after year and I have to admit it pissed me off a bit. I know there is someone out there cutting him from their fantasy team or cussing him out because of the money he isn't earning. Blah blah blah.
If i had lost my job because of my anxiety disorder, I could have gotten another one. If my flight or fight instincts had gotten me fired, I could land somewhere. If this is the end of the line for Dontrelle's pitching career, I'm hoping he has things to fall back on too, but money and prestige is only the smallest part of the equation. What becomes of the man?
I went on medication years ago for my panic disorder. For years I believed that if I could just stop the attacks, then life would get back to "normal". I struggled to either ignore the reality of the disorder or self-medicate myself into oblivion and put off dealing with it until the next day when the whole mess would start all over again.
Years later a pastor I had a great deal of respect for began to council me in my new found faith. After spending a few weeks familiarizing himself with my story, he asked me something to the effect of, "So you're taking the medication to relieve yourself of the panic, but are you healing?" I had no idea what he meant. If there were no panic attacks, then there was no problem. Right? I'm sure I fumbled through some lame answer, but I had no idea what he meant until years later. What I discovered was that these attacks; this disorder, scarred me. Emotionally, figuratively, and spiritually. I had no confidence. No desire to be anywhere that wasn't "safe". For me this meant staying home, staying drunk, or both. Preferably both.
After reading the small stat-laden articles on Dontrelle, I felt a pit forming in my stomach. WHAT ABOUT THE MAN?! What about the pain he is going through right this minute? Not the pain of being cut by the D-Backs, but the pain of (possibly) thinking that he is somewhat less of a man than he used to be. Could that happen to him like it did me? Who is there for him? Does he have support? Help? Are there people around him that understand? How much pressure do we put on ourselves that doesn't need to be there? How much of this is physical and how little of it is mental?
If I knew him, I would say, Don't buy into the lie! You may not feel it now, but you are the same man you were 5 or 10 years ago. If fact you are MORE! Your older, wiser, smarter, more experienced. You may not see it that way now, but it's true. There may be uncontrollable thoughts and emotions that throw you into a tailspin of anger, depressions, sadness, and more. But you cannot be robbed of who God has created you to be! Please don't be afraid to let others help you. Sometimes we're unsure because we don't even know what we don't know.
You are NOT lost, brother.
