The Facts-
1.I've never met the man. 2. I'm a D-Backs fan, but p.o.'ed at the team/management the last few years. 3. This isn't about baseball.
The Thoughts-
For most of my life I've known what it's like to NOT be able to do something that everyone else could to do. (Fill in the blank or pick something and insert here.) I've had my livelihood threatened by my anxiety disorder. I've had times where driving my car to work was a nightmare, if I made it at all. I've had my pride and self-respect beaten out of me by having to call and ask for a ride when there was really "nothing wrong with me". I've got up and walked out of movies and restaurants more times than I care to count. I've had to turn around and walk out of grocery stores with the cart half full. Stand in line at the bank wondering if I stay still long enough to cash my check.
But I've never had to stand on a mound of dirt, in front of thousands of people, and earn a living.
I can only image that feeling. Maybe you can't feel your legs under you and your body seems seconds from going out of control. When the entire infield feels like it's going to tilt back and forth, just enough to topple you over. I can imagine thinking that I'm going to twitch wrong and be called for a balk or give something away. Ruin an entire game because I can't control myself. If I start my windup and loose my balance I'm going to rush it and throw something wild. I'M GOING TO SCREW UP.
Last night when I read the story of Mr. Willis being let go in AZ I thought, "an anxiety disorder? Him?" I read about how he had fallen on hard times, or was losing his pitching control. How he used to be an amazing talent, but now.....
They rattled off his stats and his "decline" year after year and I have to admit it pissed me off a bit. I know there is someone out there cutting him from their fantasy team or cussing him out because of the money he isn't earning. Blah blah blah.
If i had lost my job because of my anxiety disorder, I could have gotten another one. If my flight or fight instincts had gotten me fired, I could land somewhere. If this is the end of the line for Dontrelle's pitching career, I'm hoping he has things to fall back on too, but money and prestige is only the smallest part of the equation. What becomes of the man?
I went on medication years ago for my panic disorder. For years I believed that if I could just stop the attacks, then life would get back to "normal". I struggled to either ignore the reality of the disorder or self-medicate myself into oblivion and put off dealing with it until the next day when the whole mess would start all over again.
Years later a pastor I had a great deal of respect for began to council me in my new found faith. After spending a few weeks familiarizing himself with my story, he asked me something to the effect of, "So you're taking the medication to relieve yourself of the panic, but are you healing?" I had no idea what he meant. If there were no panic attacks, then there was no problem. Right? I'm sure I fumbled through some lame answer, but I had no idea what he meant until years later. What I discovered was that these attacks; this disorder, scarred me. Emotionally, figuratively, and spiritually. I had no confidence. No desire to be anywhere that wasn't "safe". For me this meant staying home, staying drunk, or both. Preferably both.
After reading the small stat-laden articles on Dontrelle, I felt a pit forming in my stomach. WHAT ABOUT THE MAN?! What about the pain he is going through right this minute? Not the pain of being cut by the D-Backs, but the pain of (possibly) thinking that he is somewhat less of a man than he used to be. Could that happen to him like it did me? Who is there for him? Does he have support? Help? Are there people around him that understand? How much pressure do we put on ourselves that doesn't need to be there? How much of this is physical and how little of it is mental?
If I knew him, I would say, Don't buy into the lie! You may not feel it now, but you are the same man you were 5 or 10 years ago. If fact you are MORE! Your older, wiser, smarter, more experienced. You may not see it that way now, but it's true. There may be uncontrollable thoughts and emotions that throw you into a tailspin of anger, depressions, sadness, and more. But you cannot be robbed of who God has created you to be! Please don't be afraid to let others help you. Sometimes we're unsure because we don't even know what we don't know.
You are NOT lost, brother.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
..perplexed, but not in dispair.....
I was reading over some material for a completely different posting when I ran across the above words in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."
Mentally, I dropped what I was doing and kept reflecting on the words, "..perplexed, but not in despair..", over and over until recent events in my life started to replay. Just before Christmas our dog was killed. Just after the new year my wife was let go from her job. My job doesn't seem to hold a lot of stability (like any of them really do) and all of this while I am at a critical amends juncture in my recovery.
Now these things are not life threatening and many people have it much worse, but they can lead to things that are life threatening, if not viewed from a healthy standpoint. For me anything that causes emotional stress has to be looked at seriously. For instance, I could give up and fall back into my addiction. Or (perhaps worse) slowly become resentful, angry, hopeless and allow my spiritual life to decay. Then I would fall back into addiction only after dragging my loved ones down with me. I know I can't go back, only forward. Relapse would be worse than never having stopped at all. So in a very real sense, anything I do apart from the grace of God and the love of Christ is potentially threatening for myself and others. Not just in the sense of a heartbeat, but in living with the old, sometimes miserable me. Causing worry and sadness for those I love is like being the black hole that sucks in everything around it and lets no light escape.
Am I not dying a slow, agonizing death if I allow my co-dependant traits to take over, and I fall into a "need to fix" things for my wife? Down that road lies anger and frustration because I can't fix anything. Most of her anxiety right now is centered around having the workplace rug pulled out from under her this year, completely without warning. My natural tendency is to protect her and "fix" the world for her and feel like a complete failure if I can't come up with a new and inventive way for us to make money and support our home. Then, I look around and see other wives who don't have to have jobs at all. Suddenly, within a few minutes, I am less that dirt in my own eyes. I am telling myself that I should be "further along in my life than this" and asking "Wow. How useless am I?"
The truth is, if I have faith, and choose to surround myself with Godly people, I will soon learn that we are all hit by the current economy in different ways, whether we are "self made" or not. If fact, for the self employed it can me much worse with even less stability! And I am further along in my life than I would have been if I had continued to live in my stinkin' thinkin' as well as my addiction.
All of this put together, encourages me that I have Christ, which is a much more stable place to be than anywhere else in the universe. My mind has a shut off switch now that wasn't there before. When my mind starts down one of those dark paths, something clicks and I am reminded that I need to take action. Call someone. Read. Write. Talk. Do anything but isolate. There is no hopelessness, just short term confusion. How do I know it's short term? I don't. But I do know it always has been in the past, so chances are, it will be again. It called faith. Faith in something bigger than myself. Within a few minutes, I am concentrating on the good things in my life and not the negative. I'm not dwelling on what has occurred and cannot be changed. I am moving forward and on to the next thing.
So I have a natural reaction of confusion or shock when something bad happens (perplexed), but I am not hopeless or crushed (despair). I know this because I have attended CR meeting regularly, listening to the experiences of others. I have spent time in church, listening to God's word. I have tools now that I never had before. All because I choose to follow the teachings of God's Son just like millions before me. Believing through faith and His work in my life, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I can continue to live.
Bent but not broken....
Mentally, I dropped what I was doing and kept reflecting on the words, "..perplexed, but not in despair..", over and over until recent events in my life started to replay. Just before Christmas our dog was killed. Just after the new year my wife was let go from her job. My job doesn't seem to hold a lot of stability (like any of them really do) and all of this while I am at a critical amends juncture in my recovery.
Now these things are not life threatening and many people have it much worse, but they can lead to things that are life threatening, if not viewed from a healthy standpoint. For me anything that causes emotional stress has to be looked at seriously. For instance, I could give up and fall back into my addiction. Or (perhaps worse) slowly become resentful, angry, hopeless and allow my spiritual life to decay. Then I would fall back into addiction only after dragging my loved ones down with me. I know I can't go back, only forward. Relapse would be worse than never having stopped at all. So in a very real sense, anything I do apart from the grace of God and the love of Christ is potentially threatening for myself and others. Not just in the sense of a heartbeat, but in living with the old, sometimes miserable me. Causing worry and sadness for those I love is like being the black hole that sucks in everything around it and lets no light escape.
Am I not dying a slow, agonizing death if I allow my co-dependant traits to take over, and I fall into a "need to fix" things for my wife? Down that road lies anger and frustration because I can't fix anything. Most of her anxiety right now is centered around having the workplace rug pulled out from under her this year, completely without warning. My natural tendency is to protect her and "fix" the world for her and feel like a complete failure if I can't come up with a new and inventive way for us to make money and support our home. Then, I look around and see other wives who don't have to have jobs at all. Suddenly, within a few minutes, I am less that dirt in my own eyes. I am telling myself that I should be "further along in my life than this" and asking "Wow. How useless am I?"
The truth is, if I have faith, and choose to surround myself with Godly people, I will soon learn that we are all hit by the current economy in different ways, whether we are "self made" or not. If fact, for the self employed it can me much worse with even less stability! And I am further along in my life than I would have been if I had continued to live in my stinkin' thinkin' as well as my addiction.
All of this put together, encourages me that I have Christ, which is a much more stable place to be than anywhere else in the universe. My mind has a shut off switch now that wasn't there before. When my mind starts down one of those dark paths, something clicks and I am reminded that I need to take action. Call someone. Read. Write. Talk. Do anything but isolate. There is no hopelessness, just short term confusion. How do I know it's short term? I don't. But I do know it always has been in the past, so chances are, it will be again. It called faith. Faith in something bigger than myself. Within a few minutes, I am concentrating on the good things in my life and not the negative. I'm not dwelling on what has occurred and cannot be changed. I am moving forward and on to the next thing.
So I have a natural reaction of confusion or shock when something bad happens (perplexed), but I am not hopeless or crushed (despair). I know this because I have attended CR meeting regularly, listening to the experiences of others. I have spent time in church, listening to God's word. I have tools now that I never had before. All because I choose to follow the teachings of God's Son just like millions before me. Believing through faith and His work in my life, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I can continue to live.
Bent but not broken....
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Rant:
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Going Mobile
Well as most of us say about blogging at one time or another: I'm back. I'm going to get off my mentally lazy rear and get some thoughts down regarding life in Christ verses life without, recovery, love, hate, and confusion. This is not a "solutions" page, this is a journey. Get this:
GOD DOES NOT CARE WHERE YOU COME FROM! You have as much right to a relationship with God as any angel in Heaven! This ain't about religion!
We still struggle, but we stay in the game.
Peace
GOD DOES NOT CARE WHERE YOU COME FROM! You have as much right to a relationship with God as any angel in Heaven! This ain't about religion!
We still struggle, but we stay in the game.
Peace
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Seeing what they don't....
From 2 Corinthians 13
“Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test…..”
The more time I spend in the rooms of CR, the more I am amazed at what God does with/in us. I see people who struggle, yet are so wise. People who have been at this longer than I have and people who are just discovering the power of God, among those who believe.
I have heard testimonies that break my heart and sow it up again, all in 20 minutes. Reminding me that this depressed, useless feeling I get sometimes, is only for a short while.
These people of CR, don’t usually have some “look at me” version of themselves that they bring to church. They are not proud of themselves, and sitting back saying, "Look at how they love me? My wisdom is admired”. No. These people are saying, “God? How many times have I made this same mistake? How many warnings have I had to not treat people ______? How many times have I reacted ______, when I wanted to ______?” Then they dust themselves off and get up again. Finally saying, “you have to do this in me Lord. I cannot.”
When someone like me runs across someone like that, I say, “Wow. No doubt, you are blessed! You are saved! God loves you!” Now if they heard me, they would feel terrible because they know all of their failures and even struggle not to keep count of them, because they know from the Bible’s teaching that God does not! Still, they would say, “You have no idea what a screw up I am!” And they would be right. BUT……
I believe that I am seeing Christ in them. From my point of view I catch a glimpse of someone with no stain, no blemish of any kind. When they minister to me through their experiences (most of them bad), or their warnings, or even their jokes (most of them bad), I see the Living God in them at that moment! And why am I surprised? Does God not tell us that this is the way it will be?
I pray that as I move along in this blessing of recovery, that I do, or can do, the same for them. Because I really am a screw up!
Peace,
WA
“Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test…..”
The more time I spend in the rooms of CR, the more I am amazed at what God does with/in us. I see people who struggle, yet are so wise. People who have been at this longer than I have and people who are just discovering the power of God, among those who believe.
I have heard testimonies that break my heart and sow it up again, all in 20 minutes. Reminding me that this depressed, useless feeling I get sometimes, is only for a short while.
These people of CR, don’t usually have some “look at me” version of themselves that they bring to church. They are not proud of themselves, and sitting back saying, "Look at how they love me? My wisdom is admired”. No. These people are saying, “God? How many times have I made this same mistake? How many warnings have I had to not treat people ______? How many times have I reacted ______, when I wanted to ______?” Then they dust themselves off and get up again. Finally saying, “you have to do this in me Lord. I cannot.”
When someone like me runs across someone like that, I say, “Wow. No doubt, you are blessed! You are saved! God loves you!” Now if they heard me, they would feel terrible because they know all of their failures and even struggle not to keep count of them, because they know from the Bible’s teaching that God does not! Still, they would say, “You have no idea what a screw up I am!” And they would be right. BUT……
I believe that I am seeing Christ in them. From my point of view I catch a glimpse of someone with no stain, no blemish of any kind. When they minister to me through their experiences (most of them bad), or their warnings, or even their jokes (most of them bad), I see the Living God in them at that moment! And why am I surprised? Does God not tell us that this is the way it will be?
I pray that as I move along in this blessing of recovery, that I do, or can do, the same for them. Because I really am a screw up!
Peace,
WA
Friday, August 14, 2009
Seeing too far...
One of the reoccurring topics in our group is how we insist on seeing as far down the road as humanly possible, then can't understand why our frustration level is through the ceiling. If I get honest enough, I will ask myself "why do little things set me off?" The more I ponder it, the less I find, UNTIL I listen and share with like minded men who live in this world too! Then I begin to realize (because many of us see things in other people that we miss in ourselves..lol..), that my frustration level in life is always...UP.
From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?
When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".
OK. Been there.
Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.
Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.
If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.
Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.
One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!
I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!
And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.
Peace,
WA
From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?
When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".
OK. Been there.
Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.
Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.
If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.
Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.
One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!
I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!
And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.
Peace,
WA
Thursday, August 13, 2009
General thought of the day...
From the point of view of one who is middle aged and only became a believer in 2001: I realized that my heart had changed, when I was no longer jealous of my wife's relationship with Christ.
No lightning bolts, no violins. Just God's spirit, gently changing me from within, but putting that change somewhere where I would notice it.
No lightning bolts, no violins. Just God's spirit, gently changing me from within, but putting that change somewhere where I would notice it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)