I was reading over some material for a completely different posting when I ran across the above words in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."
Mentally, I dropped what I was doing and kept reflecting on the words, "..perplexed, but not in despair..", over and over until recent events in my life started to replay. Just before Christmas our dog was killed. Just after the new year my wife was let go from her job. My job doesn't seem to hold a lot of stability (like any of them really do) and all of this while I am at a critical amends juncture in my recovery.
Now these things are not life threatening and many people have it much worse, but they can lead to things that are life threatening, if not viewed from a healthy standpoint. For me anything that causes emotional stress has to be looked at seriously. For instance, I could give up and fall back into my addiction. Or (perhaps worse) slowly become resentful, angry, hopeless and allow my spiritual life to decay. Then I would fall back into addiction only after dragging my loved ones down with me. I know I can't go back, only forward. Relapse would be worse than never having stopped at all. So in a very real sense, anything I do apart from the grace of God and the love of Christ is potentially threatening for myself and others. Not just in the sense of a heartbeat, but in living with the old, sometimes miserable me. Causing worry and sadness for those I love is like being the black hole that sucks in everything around it and lets no light escape.
Am I not dying a slow, agonizing death if I allow my co-dependant traits to take over, and I fall into a "need to fix" things for my wife? Down that road lies anger and frustration because I can't fix anything. Most of her anxiety right now is centered around having the workplace rug pulled out from under her this year, completely without warning. My natural tendency is to protect her and "fix" the world for her and feel like a complete failure if I can't come up with a new and inventive way for us to make money and support our home. Then, I look around and see other wives who don't have to have jobs at all. Suddenly, within a few minutes, I am less that dirt in my own eyes. I am telling myself that I should be "further along in my life than this" and asking "Wow. How useless am I?"
The truth is, if I have faith, and choose to surround myself with Godly people, I will soon learn that we are all hit by the current economy in different ways, whether we are "self made" or not. If fact, for the self employed it can me much worse with even less stability! And I am further along in my life than I would have been if I had continued to live in my stinkin' thinkin' as well as my addiction.
All of this put together, encourages me that I have Christ, which is a much more stable place to be than anywhere else in the universe. My mind has a shut off switch now that wasn't there before. When my mind starts down one of those dark paths, something clicks and I am reminded that I need to take action. Call someone. Read. Write. Talk. Do anything but isolate. There is no hopelessness, just short term confusion. How do I know it's short term? I don't. But I do know it always has been in the past, so chances are, it will be again. It called faith. Faith in something bigger than myself. Within a few minutes, I am concentrating on the good things in my life and not the negative. I'm not dwelling on what has occurred and cannot be changed. I am moving forward and on to the next thing.
So I have a natural reaction of confusion or shock when something bad happens (perplexed), but I am not hopeless or crushed (despair). I know this because I have attended CR meeting regularly, listening to the experiences of others. I have spent time in church, listening to God's word. I have tools now that I never had before. All because I choose to follow the teachings of God's Son just like millions before me. Believing through faith and His work in my life, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I can continue to live.
Bent but not broken....
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
The Rant:
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."
No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!
Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.
Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.
The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.
Do something with eternal value
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Going Mobile
Well as most of us say about blogging at one time or another: I'm back. I'm going to get off my mentally lazy rear and get some thoughts down regarding life in Christ verses life without, recovery, love, hate, and confusion. This is not a "solutions" page, this is a journey. Get this:
GOD DOES NOT CARE WHERE YOU COME FROM! You have as much right to a relationship with God as any angel in Heaven! This ain't about religion!
We still struggle, but we stay in the game.
Peace
GOD DOES NOT CARE WHERE YOU COME FROM! You have as much right to a relationship with God as any angel in Heaven! This ain't about religion!
We still struggle, but we stay in the game.
Peace
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Seeing what they don't....
From 2 Corinthians 13
“Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test…..”
The more time I spend in the rooms of CR, the more I am amazed at what God does with/in us. I see people who struggle, yet are so wise. People who have been at this longer than I have and people who are just discovering the power of God, among those who believe.
I have heard testimonies that break my heart and sow it up again, all in 20 minutes. Reminding me that this depressed, useless feeling I get sometimes, is only for a short while.
These people of CR, don’t usually have some “look at me” version of themselves that they bring to church. They are not proud of themselves, and sitting back saying, "Look at how they love me? My wisdom is admired”. No. These people are saying, “God? How many times have I made this same mistake? How many warnings have I had to not treat people ______? How many times have I reacted ______, when I wanted to ______?” Then they dust themselves off and get up again. Finally saying, “you have to do this in me Lord. I cannot.”
When someone like me runs across someone like that, I say, “Wow. No doubt, you are blessed! You are saved! God loves you!” Now if they heard me, they would feel terrible because they know all of their failures and even struggle not to keep count of them, because they know from the Bible’s teaching that God does not! Still, they would say, “You have no idea what a screw up I am!” And they would be right. BUT……
I believe that I am seeing Christ in them. From my point of view I catch a glimpse of someone with no stain, no blemish of any kind. When they minister to me through their experiences (most of them bad), or their warnings, or even their jokes (most of them bad), I see the Living God in them at that moment! And why am I surprised? Does God not tell us that this is the way it will be?
I pray that as I move along in this blessing of recovery, that I do, or can do, the same for them. Because I really am a screw up!
Peace,
WA
“Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test…..”
The more time I spend in the rooms of CR, the more I am amazed at what God does with/in us. I see people who struggle, yet are so wise. People who have been at this longer than I have and people who are just discovering the power of God, among those who believe.
I have heard testimonies that break my heart and sow it up again, all in 20 minutes. Reminding me that this depressed, useless feeling I get sometimes, is only for a short while.
These people of CR, don’t usually have some “look at me” version of themselves that they bring to church. They are not proud of themselves, and sitting back saying, "Look at how they love me? My wisdom is admired”. No. These people are saying, “God? How many times have I made this same mistake? How many warnings have I had to not treat people ______? How many times have I reacted ______, when I wanted to ______?” Then they dust themselves off and get up again. Finally saying, “you have to do this in me Lord. I cannot.”
When someone like me runs across someone like that, I say, “Wow. No doubt, you are blessed! You are saved! God loves you!” Now if they heard me, they would feel terrible because they know all of their failures and even struggle not to keep count of them, because they know from the Bible’s teaching that God does not! Still, they would say, “You have no idea what a screw up I am!” And they would be right. BUT……
I believe that I am seeing Christ in them. From my point of view I catch a glimpse of someone with no stain, no blemish of any kind. When they minister to me through their experiences (most of them bad), or their warnings, or even their jokes (most of them bad), I see the Living God in them at that moment! And why am I surprised? Does God not tell us that this is the way it will be?
I pray that as I move along in this blessing of recovery, that I do, or can do, the same for them. Because I really am a screw up!
Peace,
WA
Friday, August 14, 2009
Seeing too far...
One of the reoccurring topics in our group is how we insist on seeing as far down the road as humanly possible, then can't understand why our frustration level is through the ceiling. If I get honest enough, I will ask myself "why do little things set me off?" The more I ponder it, the less I find, UNTIL I listen and share with like minded men who live in this world too! Then I begin to realize (because many of us see things in other people that we miss in ourselves..lol..), that my frustration level in life is always...UP.
From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?
When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".
OK. Been there.
Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.
Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.
If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.
Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.
One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!
I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!
And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.
Peace,
WA
From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?
When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".
OK. Been there.
Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.
Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.
If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.
Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.
One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!
I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!
And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.
Peace,
WA
Thursday, August 13, 2009
General thought of the day...
From the point of view of one who is middle aged and only became a believer in 2001: I realized that my heart had changed, when I was no longer jealous of my wife's relationship with Christ.
No lightning bolts, no violins. Just God's spirit, gently changing me from within, but putting that change somewhere where I would notice it.
No lightning bolts, no violins. Just God's spirit, gently changing me from within, but putting that change somewhere where I would notice it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Template
Having just passed the 2 year anniversary in my recovery, I find myself with a new craving: To spread the Word. Not only the 12 Steps and the 8 Principles, which are the basis of my recovery, but the day to day marathon and struggle with aspects of said recovery. Now, I'm not going to berate anyone who Higher Power is not the same as mine, but I will point out that Jesus Christ is the cornerstone and the foundation of what I have experienced these last two years. If your not in the same spot, that's fine, but please don't disregard what I'm saying here, just because you disagree with me on this point. My intention is NOT to get into yet another argument about what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to an HP. I'm not going to debate philosophy or even theology in here. The arguments are as far and wide as the horizons, just trying to get people to agree on Biblical theology alone, not to mention everything beyond, so I'm not wasting time when I might have a point to make about my (or your) freedom! I have a tendency to "shove my way to the center" in most situations and this blog will probably start out no different. While others often want to argue the finer points of a subject, I'm more about what is going on at the center of you and me. Lets face it: At the end of the day, will I feel better about myself because I out debated someone? Honestly, I hope I'm not that shallow.
Most of this will consist of insights I gather from my personal inventory, so anyone familiar with secular recovery will recognize it. I will reference the 12 Steps and the 8 Principles (the Beatitudes), which are the basis of Celebrate Recovery, of which I am a part. Even if you don't know anything about AA, CR, or the Bible, you might still recognize the idea of journaling in order to understand or even resolve internal conflict and our relationship with others. Still others might find that a blog is what resonates with them. The idea of looking into the rants, experiences, successes and failures of someone with a point of view you connect with is, from what I understand, sometimes appealing to some of you "youngsters". Maybe your in recovery, and you can relate or want to share. Cool! Do it! Maybe your thinking it might be something you want to look into for yourself or a friend. Also cool! And welcome! Maybe your reading this and your like I have always been: Needing this and knowing it, but too afraid to jump in. If that's the case, please stick around. In here, you can look at it all from a safe distance, and no one even has to know your here! Ah, the beauty of the web, huh? For all the crap you can get into, there is a lot of good in here as well.
Over the next few days and weeks, I'll be posting some interesting info or tidbits that might answer some questions, but for the most part, it's just a long "tweet". What am I doing? How do I feel about...? What am I struggling with? and so on. I hope to break it up into the sections below, so see this as a template if you will. My thoughts are mostly unorganized so I need to not only write them down, but I need to categorize them as well. So this will be part of my journal or daily inventory process or just a plain ole blog, depending on the day and my mood. The only difference is, I'll hit the button and share. I need to do this anyway and it might help someone on the planet some day. If not, at least I'm entertaining myself and getting this stuff OUT!
I will adhere to the "rules" of CR or AA and not attempt to tell you what you should do: We are here to support one another, not fix another. Since this is a one way conversation (at least so far), I should be able to: Keep my sharing focused on my own thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping to present a "day in the life". With Purpose.
More often than not, it'll be in three parts:
1. The Rant
2. Step Back and Observe
3. The Truth
Hope you can get something out of it.
Blessings,
WA
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