Obsession is obsession...

I sometimes “reminisce” about what I accomplished when I indulged in self-medication. I remember most that feeling of escape we all hear so much about. I could close my door and keep the pain outside. Or so I thought. I could just wander into my nightly haze. Ignore the world that I was forced to live in during the day, and spend some time in Me-Land.

Basically...... avoiding reality.

It was if I slowly got used to the “control” I had over my feelings for the first time that day. I could adjust my intake of alcohol to achieve (what I thought was) the desired effect. It wasn’t just the “numbing out”, it was the perception of control over my reality that I craved.

I never allowed myself to go beyond the “comfort” of my own reality. No, cause out there in the real world, was panic attacks and people I couldn’t get along with no matter how hard I tried. It was a world that I had to put a face on for. I had to act my way through the day, until I couldn’t tell the difference between me and the act. If there ever really WAS a me.

There was an erosion of my ability to live the way God designed me. A building pressure, that I tried to control with substance intake. Raw nerves, that could not be exposed to fresh air, were submerged, 12 ounces at a time in a swamp of artificial “peace”. I craved calmness. Happiness. Understanding. Love.

How long did it take to arrive at this “peaceful” place every night? An hour? Two? Well, with the endorphins released in my brain at the 1st drink, I would say, instantly. I could feel myself being “fixed” from that 1st drink. I could let go of the mask, or so I thought. I could get out of people’s way and just relax. It was a quick fix. Never mind how emotionally unavailable I was. How I didn’t wanna be bothered. I never noticed that I wore a facade during those times too. Once of happiness. I still had to act.

Relationships can be the same way. Perhaps someone reading this feels as thought they can’t relate because they never had a chemical dependency. Maybe depression or anxiety issues, but not drinking or drugs. But dependency (in some ways) is dependency. Obsession is obsession. I’m not talking about any kind of physical dependency. This is emotional. It is far too easy to look to another person to show us our worth. We look for validation from someone just as flawed as we are. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love these people if they are close, intricate parts of our lives. We just need to look at others as EQUAL to us. Not worse, not better. When we are involved/engage in these relationships we need to ask what we are getting out of it. Not in a selfish way, but almost from ...neutral stand point. We don’t have the right to put that kind of weight (expectation) on another. We are basically holding them responsible for our happiness.

So if we do not suffer from a chemical dependency, we might instead suffer from relational dependency. Such as....If I can make my wife like the way I did the laundry, then I am a good husband. Or...If I point out all of the overtime I’m working, my husband won’t call me lazy.

Action: Working for acceptance. Desire: To feel good about myself. Source: Spouse

How is this not equal to-

Action: Drinking/Drug Desire: See above Source: Chemical

Those statements and a million like then, can take many people down a dark path. First of all, what if you CAN’T make your spouse like it? It’s a good question to ask, because we can’t MAKE anyone feel a certain way. Second, trying to make someone feel a certain way is manipulation. Who wants to say that they did a good job manipulating their spouse today? Are we really looking for them to admire us and our work? Why? I say because of our own insecurities. And if, by definition, we have insecurities, why do we not deal with them before unloading it all on a loved one? One word: Denial. What is denial? Another way of NOT living in reality. We are trying to construct our own, because the world’s reality isn’t good enough. The same as someone consuming drink/drugs.

I will alter things/people around me, in order to create the reality I want to live in. I will attempt to control my loved-one’s responses, by presenting myself the way I want to be seen. (In other words lie). I want things MY way. That is the only way I can put my head down at night and smile: If I have created the reality I want. If I can make someone say some thing nice about me or work myself into their good graces, then I have the right to feel good about myself.

I depends on what we’re “into”. If I can’t alter my perception of reality (chemical), they I will alter yours (puff myself up, lie, exaggerate, get angry, spend money I don’t have) to make you like me, so that I can like myself. In codependency, I cannot like or accept myself unless you do first. If you deny me that, then you are robing me of my drug of choice: Acceptance. If I don’t get my “fix” I might behave irrationally, get angry, become self-destructive, etc. I might harbor a new (or maybe just deeper resentment) toward you, because you are the one keeping my satisfaction from me. It’s all YOUR fault. From that point on, everything I do in the relationship can come out sideways. And my, poor spouse, boss, or friend will have NO idea what the hell is going on! Just like with a chemical. I am asking a flawed, imperfect source to provide for me what I cannot provide for myself: Validation. I’m probably not aware of it, because I’ve done it all my life. It feels as natural for me to behave this way as it does to breathe.

To make matters worse, what if the other person has similar issues? Thus begins a vicious cycle that never ends. We are asking for perfect acceptance from people that are no more perfect than we are. We are each getting on a faulty scale and expecting a perfect, accurate account of our weight!

We each were designed with needs that cannot be fulfilled by people. We were designed that way so that God would forever have a place in our lives. The only true validation and acceptance is from Him first. If we do not seek a relationship with Him, we will always be unfulfilled.

More later.......

Easter...

One of the things I notice more and more in my recovery is the blessing of delayed gratification. As we were reminded in church today, God had and still has a plan. Nothing has changed. He isn't like me. He wouldn't start a blog and then get distracted and lose interest. He wouldn't set us aside, as I used to do my toys, and say, "I really love that, but right now it's boring". He does not leave things undone. He just doesn't always do them by my clock.

As we know, we don't always understand why we are subjected to the struggles that we face in this life. However, we will look back on them at some point and see God's work in them. They might be character building, or something we need to learn that we wouldn't have otherwise. It might just be that we have to wait until the conditions are correct for us before God can show His work. Like a perfect parent, He knows when to have us wait.

I think the same can be said for joy as well as struggle. I have gone through life beating myself up because I never seemed to enjoy...well....almost anything. I always wanted to, but nothing seemed to give me enough of a thrill to really enjoy it at the time. This is probably why I discovered alcohol and never could get enough! I wanted that "excitement" or "high" from life NOW!

I'm sure that having anxiety issue and panic attacks exacerbated the problem. I needed "medication" to feel what I WANTED to feel. Never taking notice of the great things that had gone on the day or week before. I was always too much of a high-strung mess to enjoy where I was.

I never reflected.

Today I was involved with the service at church. Like so many times lately, I was nervous and wanted to be perfect, but I knew that it would be fun and that it was important. I also began to instinctively put memories and conversations in my memory bank for later in the day. I came home and reflected on all that I had seen. The exhaustion from nerves took over and I needed to shut down and process the events for awhile. This was where I found the joy and happiness of being part of God's family.

Many of my current sorrows slipped away as I reflected on the wonderful people I interacted with. I felt the world fall away as I celebrated God's victory over death. Not just physical death, but the death I was stuck in. Where I wallow in my junk and think of myself as less than everyone else. That is spiritual death. And it will keep me in bondage if I don't identify it, deal with it and then let it go. I won't get it right most of the time and will have to try again tomorrow.

That's the great thing about being a follower of Christ: I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to act like I have it all together. I just need to be me.....and learn to enjoy it.

Peace,

WA

Who is my (family)?

Matthew 12: 46-48

⁴⁶ While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. ⁴⁷Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

⁴⁸ He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” ⁴⁹ Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. ⁵⁰ For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

It amazes me (in an appalling way) how quickly family can turn on family. Now I don't pretend to corner the market on family of origin strife, in fact I'm rather new to it. But when God begins to do work in me, people of my bloodline don't seem to like it.

I guess I'm still enough "of the world" to understand how weird it would seem to others if someone started chanting Scripture and dropping Jesus' name ever 3 sentences. I would still find that uncomfortable and maybe always will. But I didn't do that to anyone in my family. I did start to call things as I see them, regarding my recovery. I did put out there that there are risks to NOT acknowledging where we come from and how we were raised. But the first thing that these (so called) loved ones have done, is throw my faith in my face without me even bringing it up. Almost as if they were zig-zagging around that part of me and were waiting for it to come up and bite them in the ass. So at the first opportunity to criticize my "religion" they were more than ready to jump on it.

I guess what it comes down to is being overly defensive. Being afraid of something that isn't understood or accepted, and pouncing on it as soon as I voiced anything that opposed their point of view. I believe it comes from the same "fight or flight" instinct I have come to know in myself. I hate that reaction and I avoid it. But it's even more galling when it comes to those who I have known all of my life, who have insisted in the past that they love me.

It's almost as if I want the loving, caring people back who used to be there, instead of the closed minded (yes, c-l-o-s-e-d) unbending, NON-ACCEPTING, people who have taken their place. It makes me feel....alone. Abandoned by the ones I used to trust. Making me wonder if they were ever worthy of my trust or anyone else's.

I already know how these people shut themselves off from the rest of the world. You don't ever have to bother defending your argument if you never expose yourself to people who might come down on the other side of it. Convenient, huh? I wish I could still do that, sometimes. Unfortunately, I have to live in reality now. No wonder some people avoid it. Reality is no place for wimps.

Family members accuse me of "blaming" them for my problems. On the contrary, it is vital to my recovery to blame NO ONE. I have had my own spirit busted up by my decisions in this life. But is it "blaming" to call it what it is? To point out that there are things in the past that were unhealthy to a child? That those children still carry the lessons they learned into adulthood? Why would anything change?

I'm not naive. I know that this type of rejection comes from people not wanting to hear the truth. I guess my heart aches because I never thought it would be my "tough" family would avoid the issue at all costs. They were always so supportive when I lived inside the framework of their understanding. Now that I am beyond that, I'm a nothing. A nobody.

I have something I've never had before, though. I have brothers and sisters in Christ, who will be with me for eternity. They celebrate with me and they grieve with me. They pray for me and they understand me. This is what Jesus meant in the Scripture passage above. Why would I feel kinship to people who have not suffered what I have suffered? Why would I want to spend time with people who just don't "get it"? Those in recovery with me will listen and try to understand me. Those who are not, cannot deal with me unless they have all the answers ahead of time.

It's amazing that as you seek God's will in your life, the Bible becomes more and more true. Sometimes pretty: "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls", sometimes not: “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. ²² You will be hated by everyone because of me......",

But it always comes true.

Peace and prayers

Triage

Triage–noun

1. the process of sorting victims, as of a battle or disaster, to determine priority in orderto

increase the number of survivors.

2. the determination of priorities for action in an emergency......

This is how I often look at the recovery process or our Biblical walk in general. There are many things that God wants to teach us, but "first things first". When soldiers are pulled from the battlefield, bloody and injured (some near death) they may arrive at a triage center first. Not so much to see who needs attention the quickest (although in the human realm this is a priority), but often to see which of their injuries need attention now, and which injuries can wait.

Some injuries, though serious, don't get treated until life threatening ones are taken care of. Setting a broken leg doesn't help me much if I'm bleeding to death! Both injuries occurred in the same battle, but the leg can wait. Right now, the bleeding must be stopped before I die. THIS is recovery in many situations.

God wised me up to the fact that I needed to stop drinking before I got myself killed. Working on my anger and resentment could wait until the "patient" was stabilized. Working on my low estimation of myself was something that was buried deep inside and could not be seen from the surface. The "surgeon" can go back in and pick out all the shrapnel AFTER I'm pulled back from the brink of death.

Sound too dramatic? Perhaps, but I don't think so. The battles we face on a daily basis are not always loud and explosive, but just as deadly. Being knocked down on the battlefield of life is not something that the world sees. It can be a very silent killer. We can die spiritually, or emotionally long before our heart stops beating. We can linger in misery on that battlefield for years before we finally "bleed out" and pass from this world without even being found by our comrades.

But for those of us who claw and drag our way onto "safer" ground and stagger into the triage center known as recovery or church, we have a chance. The key is, once we get help, stop trying to get off of the operating table! Let the Healer you sought do His job!

Peace and prayers,

WA

The believer/addict

I read some posts today where some people got into a discussion about what Scripture tells us about sin, addiction, renewal, and the Cross of Christ.

This made me get into the Bible and take a closer look. I hate questions that I don't have an intelligent answer to. I might be off base, but I'd rather educate myself and at least try to make sense. As I say all the time, I'm nowhere near being an expert on any of this, but I also have said that this blog is a a set of notes on MY journey.

So here goes......

The question was raised- Can we be In Christ and still sin?

That bothers me and I am constantly have to go back to God's word for reassurance that I'm on track (hmm..something He would want me to do?). I have to read the Word and then I go back and look for "key" words (reflecting on His word?). Then I will surely look at who wrote it and who it was specifically written too. (looking at His word as living history and knowing about the world and people around it at that time?)

Now the question (and it was a question, not an argument that's why I'm writing here and not where I saw it), that I heard asked, in my mind at least, centered around 1 John 3:3-10 Linked here-

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+3&version=NIV

and was used as an example that we could not (or may not) be In Christ and still go on sinning.

A quick glance at the "foreword" of the book in my study Bible yielded some interesting things right on the surface. For one, this book was written to believers, which kinda threw me. I thought it might have been to those who did NOT yet know Christ. Still, we do not know how long the church had been established or even which church it was meant for. (Many people much smarter than me think it was a circular letter sent out to many churches in Asia at the time). Regardless, I find this even more beautiful BECAUSE it was written to people who already know of and trust Jesus as their Lord and Savior! Essentially proving (in my mind) that Christians fail! And we probably fail ourselves far more than we fail others. There would be no need to write 1 John if Christians were perfect! And anyone in Christ based recovery would certainly not consider themselves perfect!

Are we In Christ when we sin? In my mind: No. Do we stop trusting in the work of the Cross when we sin? In that moment or in that area of our lives, perhaps. Have I lost my salvation? No. I do not believe that. If I come back to God with a repentant heart and confess what I did and ask for His forgiveness and help, does He ignore me? NO! I could do nothing to EARN my salvation in the first place, so how could I ever RE earn it??

More observation:

"Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure."

1 John3:3

I heard a Christian author say recently, There is no hope once we get to Heaven because hope will become reality (paraphrase). So having hope in Christ is for this life. I'll stand beside the living God in the next. When I hear about the unconditional love of God and His mercy and grace, I am reminded that this is what I am told to hold onto in this life, because for the time being, He is unseen.

I read that John was known for his contrasts when writing; i.e. dark vs. light, good vs. evil, sin vs. purity. Sounds like he had some of that black and white thinking going on that got me into recovery in the 1st place! Am I making fun of a Bible writer? No! A recurring theme in the Bible is how God used and still uses the imperfect and "unclean" for His work and His glory. His writing style doesn't leave a gray area and some may see me as "Luke warm" if I ask for one. I say that we live in a fallen world and anyone who thinks they will never sin again is the same as a person who denies he ever did. What does God say about that person? See here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+1:10&version=NIV

Still more:

Moses loved God but didn't think much of His idea to have Moses lead the slaves out of Egypt. He disagreed? Blasphemy! Apparently not something the Lord held against Moses though, He still used him.

David and his sins? God called David a man after His own heart?

Paul (Saul) hunted down and killed Christians. But even though he came to believe and wrote tons of the New Testament, did he not still struggle with pride and anger?

No. We are a work in progress and we fight our sinFUL nature all of our lives. To not believe that is to "think you are standing firm..." and not considering that "...you (may) fall".

Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

In my mind and heart I cannot look at myself as having "arrived". I am "no longer a sinner"? Baloney. I am a sinner saved by grace. His grace. Not yours and not mine. I do not disagree with anything the Bible says, but I do have to look at context. If I think that I have it all figured out, then I am full of pride and that means sin. We believers, We followers of Christ have to FIGHT sin, not be absolved from it. If we were, we would have no need for what God seeks most: A relationship with each of us. To live in and remain in sin, is to not let Christ and His sanctification process into that area of my life. Period. But if I have no hope in Christ in this life, my present and future, why would I not go on sinning? The work of the Holy Spirit will convict me of sin, but not condemn me for it. He will continue to "will and to act according to his good purpose". Philippians 2:13

Prayers

Check out this 6th verse to the song Amazing Grace by John Newton.....

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

I hear this every once in awhile in "big" church or my recovery group and I've always loved it, but last night I really heard it. We all know the 1st verse, but don't hear this one all the time. While listening and reading the lyrics on the screen, I started reflecting on what this means to my recovery. Today, I was replaying the words while driving and came upon 2 thoughts which I think God was drawing my attention to........

1. I do not think in terms of eternity often enough. That is to say, I do not include the "here after" into my daily life as much as God desires. Perhaps because I used to be so fearful of the end of this life (due in large part to my panic and anxiety issues), that I avoided any reflection on it at all. I ran from it, and tried to keep my mind occupied 24/7 in order to avoid it (an exhausting chore to say the least). I might have felt that I had spent so much time dwelling on death as a young boy, that I shouldn't have to deal with it. Or maybe I'm spending to much time thinking of myself. Perhaps it was the normal fears everyone has on the subject. In any case, I need to look at this life as a "stop over" on my journey. In light of how much "time" I'll spend with the Lord in His kingdom, the few decades I spend here are a drop in the bucket.

2. I should treat my relationships as eternal. We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it in order to change our present and our future. People we love can be deeply affected by changes in our attitudes and behavior. This means we can be a blessing or a curse. In light of eternity, I should relax more and "rest in Him". Not feeling like I have to fix ALL aspects of a relationship in a single day.

Also, I should try to look at each day as a new opportunity. It's not what I've' done, or whats been done to me. It's more bout how I proceed from this day forward. It's the relationships I try to build as I CONTINUE my journey, not the devastation of the past. Bitterness and anger won't exist in the next life anyway, so why focus on it now? I need to strive toward love, which we are assured to have in heaven, because God IS love. I should be making an investment now, that will pay off in the Timeless Future. If I make great strides mending a relationship in this life, I'll gladly spend that first "10,000 years" finishing the work, and the next 10,000 enjoying the fruits of that labor (both mine and the other person's), and praising God the entire time, for giving me that relationship back!

Technology is a wonderful tool for God

There are a million useless things on the Internet that are there to demand our attention as soon as we click our browser these days. I find myself getting caught up in people and things that I really couldn't give a crap about. Usually it's who got arrested in Hollywood or who is "dating" who. It's pop culture, the way of the world, entertainment, whatever you wanna call it, but the truth is: It's here today and gone tomorrow. And I'm not even talking about the Snookies or the Kardashians of the world....useless. I'm talking about people with "talent". A few years back Britney Spears was all the rage, today she's a punchline. Miley Cyrus will be there in a few years, and Justin...whatever- his-name-is will be too. That's why it's called "pop" culture. It's what's popular now. Not yesterday or tomorrow..... But it's here today, gone later today.

What is cool about the Internet part of this culture is that it makes even important things more accessible. Like the Bible. Or a sermon. Things that count for something can be only a click away just like as Kate's latest hair extensions. Case in point: I clicked "like" on Facebook the other day and was granted access to God's word, just like that. People for thousands of years were grateful just to have a preacher in town! On Twitter, I have all the sports, news, music and so forth, but I also have a Christian news or ministry site that I get updates from too. It's just SO easy. And the really cool think I got to thinking about while setting this stuff up is: God calls us to read His word daily. Well this is easy for someone lazy like me. ( I shouldn't say lazy, I just have a short attention span) Just by "liking" the Bible on Facebook, I have Scripture popping up right in front of me every day! More than once! In fact, I think it is better to take a few verses and read them, then go back and read them again and let them sink in. Reflect on them and let them impact me.

Now I learned from pastors who could break down each word and give it context and meaning. Many of them do this. I also know that there are many people who start with a book and read it all in few days. I have NOTHING against any of that, but even if I have Bible verses Tweeted to me, aren't I living in God's will regarding that part of my life? Well....it depends. Can I take that one line of or one verse and really reflect or meditate on it. Can I recognize it's meaning for my life? If I can honestly say "yes", then I believe I am following what God wants me to do in the moment. If I end up making a habit out of it, so much the better.

Now that reading I do might lead me to look something up in my Bible, or read a specific book, or listen to a song. BANG! I've already expanded on that will. It's all part of the journey He wants to take me on. And you too! Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. That isn't the point. The God of the Bible, the only true God, knows me inside and out. He knows how He wants to speak to me. He says His yoke is light. Meaning it shouldn't be a chore to listen and obey and that brings about trust!

Don't conform to the way of this world! Don't grade yourself by "performance" and think God grades you that way. Just be WILLING. Just be willing to turn to Him. Be willing to pray. Be willing to ask. The words you use are not as important as your heart! God isn't going to say: "Well he didn't read enough today" or "She didn't pray that the way the people did when the Bible was written. She got it all wrong". Nope. That's us doing that, not God. And it keeps us from growing closer to Him.

Please stop thinking you have to do it the way grandpa taught you. Or Aunt Meg, or whoever. Make sure the sites you use reference the Holy Bible as it is, not as somebody else would have it. No less than the Bible, no more than the Bible. You will see your mind and then your heart change at the speed you and the Lord create together.

prayers!

A few words regarding Dontrelle Willis

The Facts-
1.I've never met the man. 2. I'm a D-Backs fan, but p.o.'ed at the team/management the last few years. 3. This isn't about baseball.

The Thoughts-
For most of my life I've known what it's like to NOT be able to do something that everyone else could to do. (Fill in the blank or pick something and insert here.) I've had my livelihood threatened by my anxiety disorder. I've had times where driving my car to work was a nightmare, if I made it at all. I've had my pride and self-respect beaten out of me by having to call and ask for a ride when there was really "nothing wrong with me". I've got up and walked out of movies and restaurants more times than I care to count. I've had to turn around and walk out of grocery stores with the cart half full. Stand in line at the bank wondering if I stay still long enough to cash my check.

But I've never had to stand on a mound of dirt, in front of thousands of people, and earn a living.

I can only image that feeling. Maybe you can't feel your legs under you and your body seems seconds from going out of control. When the entire infield feels like it's going to tilt back and forth, just enough to topple you over. I can imagine thinking that I'm going to twitch wrong and be called for a balk or give something away. Ruin an entire game because I can't control myself. If I start my windup and loose my balance I'm going to rush it and throw something wild. I'M GOING TO SCREW UP.

Last night when I read the story of Mr. Willis being let go in AZ I thought, "an anxiety disorder? Him?" I read about how he had fallen on hard times, or was losing his pitching control. How he used to be an amazing talent, but now.....
They rattled off his stats and his "decline" year after year and I have to admit it pissed me off a bit. I know there is someone out there cutting him from their fantasy team or cussing him out because of the money he isn't earning. Blah blah blah.

If i had lost my job because of my anxiety disorder, I could have gotten another one. If my flight or fight instincts had gotten me fired, I could land somewhere. If this is the end of the line for Dontrelle's pitching career, I'm hoping he has things to fall back on too, but money and prestige is only the smallest part of the equation. What becomes of the man?

I went on medication years ago for my panic disorder. For years I believed that if I could just stop the attacks, then life would get back to "normal". I struggled to either ignore the reality of the disorder or self-medicate myself into oblivion and put off dealing with it until the next day when the whole mess would start all over again.
Years later a pastor I had a great deal of respect for began to council me in my new found faith. After spending a few weeks familiarizing himself with my story, he asked me something to the effect of, "So you're taking the medication to relieve yourself of the panic, but are you healing?" I had no idea what he meant. If there were no panic attacks, then there was no problem. Right? I'm sure I fumbled through some lame answer, but I had no idea what he meant until years later. What I discovered was that these attacks; this disorder, scarred me. Emotionally, figuratively, and spiritually. I had no confidence. No desire to be anywhere that wasn't "safe". For me this meant staying home, staying drunk, or both. Preferably both.

After reading the small stat-laden articles on Dontrelle, I felt a pit forming in my stomach. WHAT ABOUT THE MAN?! What about the pain he is going through right this minute? Not the pain of being cut by the D-Backs, but the pain of (possibly) thinking that he is somewhat less of a man than he used to be. Could that happen to him like it did me? Who is there for him? Does he have support? Help? Are there people around him that understand? How much pressure do we put on ourselves that doesn't need to be there? How much of this is physical and how little of it is mental?

If I knew him, I would say, Don't buy into the lie! You may not feel it now, but you are the same man you were 5 or 10 years ago. If fact you are MORE! Your older, wiser, smarter, more experienced. You may not see it that way now, but it's true. There may be uncontrollable thoughts and emotions that throw you into a tailspin of anger, depressions, sadness, and more. But you cannot be robbed of who God has created you to be! Please don't be afraid to let others help you. Sometimes we're unsure because we don't even know what we don't know.

You are NOT lost, brother.

..perplexed, but not in dispair.....

I was reading over some material for a completely different posting when I ran across the above words in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed."

Mentally, I dropped what I was doing and kept reflecting on the words, "..perplexed, but not in despair..", over and over until recent events in my life started to replay. Just before Christmas our dog was killed. Just after the new year my wife was let go from her job. My job doesn't seem to hold a lot of stability (like any of them really do) and all of this while I am at a critical amends juncture in my recovery.



Now these things are not life threatening and many people have it much worse, but they can lead to things that are life threatening, if not viewed from a healthy standpoint. For me anything that causes emotional stress has to be looked at seriously. For instance, I could give up and fall back into my addiction. Or (perhaps worse) slowly become resentful, angry, hopeless and allow my spiritual life to decay. Then I would fall back into addiction only after dragging my loved ones down with me. I know I can't go back, only forward. Relapse would be worse than never having stopped at all. So in a very real sense, anything I do apart from the grace of God and the love of Christ is potentially threatening for myself and others. Not just in the sense of a heartbeat, but in living with the old, sometimes miserable me. Causing worry and sadness for those I love is like being the black hole that sucks in everything around it and lets no light escape.



Am I not dying a slow, agonizing death if I allow my co-dependant traits to take over, and I fall into a "need to fix" things for my wife? Down that road lies anger and frustration because I can't fix anything. Most of her anxiety right now is centered around having the workplace rug pulled out from under her this year, completely without warning. My natural tendency is to protect her and "fix" the world for her and feel like a complete failure if I can't come up with a new and inventive way for us to make money and support our home. Then, I look around and see other wives who don't have to have jobs at all. Suddenly, within a few minutes, I am less that dirt in my own eyes. I am telling myself that I should be "further along in my life than this" and asking "Wow. How useless am I?"



The truth is, if I have faith, and choose to surround myself with Godly people, I will soon learn that we are all hit by the current economy in different ways, whether we are "self made" or not. If fact, for the self employed it can me much worse with even less stability! And I am further along in my life than I would have been if I had continued to live in my stinkin' thinkin' as well as my addiction.


All of this put together, encourages me that I have Christ, which is a much more stable place to be than anywhere else in the universe. My mind has a shut off switch now that wasn't there before. When my mind starts down one of those dark paths, something clicks and I am reminded that I need to take action. Call someone. Read. Write. Talk. Do anything but isolate. There is no hopelessness, just short term confusion. How do I know it's short term? I don't. But I do know it always has been in the past, so chances are, it will be again. It called faith. Faith in something bigger than myself. Within a few minutes, I am concentrating on the good things in my life and not the negative. I'm not dwelling on what has occurred and cannot be changed. I am moving forward and on to the next thing.

So I have a natural reaction of confusion or shock when something bad happens (perplexed), but I am not hopeless or crushed (despair). I know this because I have attended CR meeting regularly, listening to the experiences of others. I have spent time in church, listening to God's word. I have tools now that I never had before. All because I choose to follow the teachings of God's Son just like millions before me. Believing through faith and His work in my life, that He will never leave us or forsake us. I can continue to live.

Bent but not broken....

The Rant:
The older I get the less tolerance I have for people who conduct business without regard for the value of others. I say "value" rather than "feelings" for a reason. Feelings are, if nothing else, subjective. I can feel one way while you feel the opposite, over the exact same situation. It's one of the reasons we are always asked (guys) to communicate. We have arguments, or discussions all the time where we start sentences with, "I feel.."

No, I use the word value here because it's NOT subjective; it's the truth. God says over and over in the Bible that you are of infinite value to Him. He gives examples of our value throughout His word! Get this:
If you do not think you are valuable and irreplaceable, look at the Bible. Listen to a good preacher's sermon, or email me! I'll tell ya! And I'll point out what God says about you, so you'll have it on much better authority than just me!

Now. With that pointed out, let me say that I cannot work in a job where people do not, or cannot, treat people with common decency and value. I don't have to demand my value from co-workers, because if they ain't smart enough to treat at least as well as they wish to be treated, then I have no desire to waste my time working with or for them.

Step Back:
Recovery has taught me that I MUST accept life on life's terms in order to survive this world with anything remotely resembling heath. I struggle to keep this concept close to me. It's part of my condition and my stinking thinking. Lets face it: Most jobs suck. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not. I still look at how people treat each other in the work place and shake my head. I still base far too much of my self-worth on how I am perceived at work. Or more accurately, how I THINK I am perceived. If others constantly treat us like trained monkeys, maybe we should pity them rather than fear them or be intimidated by them. Chances are they have been devalued in some other area of life and are over compensating. Using their greater position or experience or influence at work to lord over others and prove how "important" they are.


The Truth:
God says that we need to find out identity in Christ, not in a fallen world that is passing away. As difficult as it is most of the time, we need to remember that God's timing is perfect and if we choose to live in it, He will bless us for that. There is no eternal value in that big sale or promotion. That corner office with all the widows ain't work a crap in the summertime anyway. Not in AZ. It may look cool, but it feels like your that ant under the magnifying glass for 7 months out of the year.
Remember: It is the lowly and humble that God will elevate in HIS time, if we believe. And be careful how you treat others. Especially those below you on the work place totem pole. Some have entertained angels without knowing it. And angels don't look like overgrown Tinker Bells. They are people. With heartbeats, families, worries, fears, mortgages, and even addictions.

Do something with eternal value

Going Mobile

Well as most of us say about blogging at one time or another: I'm back. I'm going to get off my mentally lazy rear and get some thoughts down regarding life in Christ verses life without, recovery, love, hate, and confusion. This is not a "solutions" page, this is a journey. Get this:
GOD DOES NOT CARE WHERE YOU COME FROM! You have as much right to a relationship with God as any angel in Heaven! This ain't about religion!

We still struggle, but we stay in the game.

Peace

Seeing what they don't....

From 2 Corinthians 13

“Likewise, we are weak in Him, yet by God's power we will live with Him to serve you.
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test…..”

The more time I spend in the rooms of CR, the more I am amazed at what God does with/in us. I see people who struggle, yet are so wise. People who have been at this longer than I have and people who are just discovering the power of God, among those who believe.

I have heard testimonies that break my heart and sow it up again, all in 20 minutes. Reminding me that this depressed, useless feeling I get sometimes, is only for a short while.

These people of CR, don’t usually have some “look at me” version of themselves that they bring to church. They are not proud of themselves, and sitting back saying, "Look at how they love me? My wisdom is admired”. No. These people are saying, “God? How many times have I made this same mistake? How many warnings have I had to not treat people ______? How many times have I reacted ______, when I wanted to ______?” Then they dust themselves off and get up again. Finally saying, “you have to do this in me Lord. I cannot.”

When someone like me runs across someone like that, I say, “Wow. No doubt, you are blessed! You are saved! God loves you!” Now if they heard me, they would feel terrible because they know all of their failures and even struggle not to keep count of them, because they know from the Bible’s teaching that God does not! Still, they would say, “You have no idea what a screw up I am!” And they would be right. BUT……

I believe that I am seeing Christ in them. From my point of view I catch a glimpse of someone with no stain, no blemish of any kind. When they minister to me through their experiences (most of them bad), or their warnings, or even their jokes (most of them bad), I see the Living God in them at that moment! And why am I surprised? Does God not tell us that this is the way it will be?

I pray that as I move along in this blessing of recovery, that I do, or can do, the same for them. Because I really am a screw up!

Peace,
WA

Seeing too far...

One of the reoccurring topics in our group is how we insist on seeing as far down the road as humanly possible, then can't understand why our frustration level is through the ceiling. If I get honest enough, I will ask myself "why do little things set me off?" The more I ponder it, the less I find, UNTIL I listen and share with like minded men who live in this world too! Then I begin to realize (because many of us see things in other people that we miss in ourselves..lol..), that my frustration level in life is always...UP.

From the time my feet hit the floor, I'm already "behind". I haven't gotten enough done and I've only been awake for ten minutes! Nowaways, being in recovery, I ask: Why? Why do I feel so under the gun all the time? Is it really because of the demands others are putting on me? (It's Saturday and nothing is begging for my immediate attention). Maybe, it's the demands I'm putting on myself. They seem realistic to me, but then, don't I live in my head 24/7? How would I know what reality is!!?

When I choose to live in my own version of reality, rather that back off and look at it from a trusted and true point of view, I'm defeated before I begin. So where do I find this true perspective: My Bible. Or a pastor who knows that Bible muuuch better than I do. Or the group I attend recovery meetings with. Now people say, "Aww, I've tried reading the Bible and it's a waste of time for me". Or, " Oh, I respect it's message and all. I believe in God and stuff, I just don't get anything out of the Bible".

OK. Been there.

Try this thought. Say your a little kid and you come home from school and your mom isn't there. She left you a note saying there are cookies and milk set out for you and that she'll be back from the store in 15 minutes. In many cases, your probably going to believe that. Why? Because you can trust what mom says (or whoever you trusted as a child). Besides, she wouldn't waste her time writing you a note unless she was telling you the truth. You can rest assured that you will find cookies and milk ready for you. You can analyze it further and say, "Why do I know this is true?", but lets face it: By this time all your thinking of is cookies. Still, if you did ask this, you might think something like, "Well...she loves me", "She takes care of me", "She's alwasy thinking about me." You don't need to see all of the behind the scenes prep work of the cookies being baked. You just ...believe.

Well God writes notes that say things like, " ...I know the plans I have for you,...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", or "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ?" (Jer. 29-11 & Matt. 6-17). Also, my favorite part of the Serenity Prayer says, "Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time...". If I allow these things to influence me, I can begin to see that perspective. I can look at things a little more like God does, and a little less like I do. I can trust that His point of view, as stated in the Bible, is probably closer to the reality of the universe, than my (admittedly faulty) attitudes.

If I choose to see it this way, it won't be long before I begin to see that the rush I'm in, as soon as I wake up in the morning, has little to do with the pressures that are there, and are more about the pressures I perceive to be. It all begins the night before, when I "plan" my day. Or on Monday when I say something like, "This weekend I really need to finish ____, or start working on the _____". I should know that as soon as I do that, I have started that all-knowing, ever present, stop watch in my head. I'll think about this task or that, all week long until Saturday comes and then (knowing my time is limited), I'll set about doing what I have planned in my head for days. Heaven forbid anything go wrong and that plan gets disrupted. Then I'm not getting something done! I might accomplish 30 other things that day. I might even have 2 or 3 meaningful conversations with members of my family, but that one task that I have been obsessing over, is still in the back of my mind. What if they whole day goes by and I don't get it done? Then, to my way of thinking, I'm a failure. It'll probably be someone else fault (cause this is my faulty thinking), but I'm still frustrated, angry, etc.

Now if I take that situation, multiply it by a dozen, and figure that a dozen = five to seven days, what will that frustration level be like in another week? Not only that, but it will snow ball. I might get those things done, eventually, but do I still have that stop watch in my head? Did it stop ticking and now there is just some annoying alarm going off, reminding me that I'm further "behind"? If so, no wonder my aggravation with life and with myself always seems to be high! No wonder I asking, "why do little things set me off?", "Why do I think that I must be miserible to be around?" Because it's the BIG thing that starts it: I'm trying to see too far down the road. I'm trying to control life. I'm NOT dealing with life on life's terms, and I certainly not living "one moment at a time". No, I'm trying to live 50 or a 100 moments at a time. I, literally want to see the end of the path before I ever step foot on it! And that is NOT realistic. I might want it do be. It might "feel" right to my stinkin' way of thinkin', but it won't work. Then, what if I take that frustration and try to deal with it through self-medication? I'm not making anything "go away", I'm just throwing gas on a fire.

One of God's "notes" says, "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), and another says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Mt. 11-28). What a wonderful concept! The creator of the universe wants me to relax? He actaully invites me to stop running the rat race!

I HAVE to learn how to give myself a break!

And if I'm not going to pay attention to that note on the table from someone who loves me and looks out for me, then I might as well ignore the cookies and go into the backyard and make a mud pie.


Peace,
WA

General thought of the day...

From the point of view of one who is middle aged and only became a believer in 2001: I realized that my heart had changed, when I was no longer jealous of my wife's relationship with Christ.
No lightning bolts, no violins. Just God's spirit, gently changing me from within, but putting that change somewhere where I would notice it.

The Template

• 
  
  Having just passed the 2 year anniversary in my recovery, I find myself with a new craving: To spread the Word. Not only the 12 Steps and the 8 Principles, which are the basis of my recovery, but the day to day marathon and struggle with aspects of said recovery. Now, I'm not going to berate anyone who Higher Power is not the same as mine, but I will point out that Jesus Christ is the cornerstone and the foundation of what I have experienced these last two years. If your not in the same spot, that's fine, but please don't disregard what I'm saying here, just because you disagree with me on this point. My intention is NOT to get into yet another argument about what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to an HP. I'm not going to debate philosophy or even theology in here. The arguments are as far and wide as the horizons, just trying to get people to agree on Biblical theology alone, not to mention everything beyond, so I'm not wasting time when I might have a point to make about my (or your) freedom! I have a tendency to "shove my way to the center" in most situations and this blog will probably start out no different. While others often want to argue the finer points of a subject, I'm more about what is going on at the center of you and me. Lets face it: At the end of the day, will I feel better about myself because I out debated someone? Honestly, I hope I'm not that shallow.
  Most of this will consist of insights I gather from my personal inventory, so anyone familiar with secular recovery will recognize it. I will reference the 12 Steps and the 8 Principles (the Beatitudes), which are the basis of Celebrate Recovery, of which I am a part. Even if you don't know anything about AA, CR, or the Bible, you might still recognize the idea of journaling in order to understand or even resolve internal conflict and our relationship with others. Still others might find that a blog is what resonates with them. The idea of looking into the rants, experiences, successes and failures of someone with a point of view you connect with is, from what I understand, sometimes appealing to some of you "youngsters". Maybe your in recovery, and you can relate or want to share. Cool! Do it! Maybe your thinking it might be something you want to look into for yourself or a friend. Also cool! And welcome! Maybe your reading this and your like I have always been: Needing this and knowing it, but too afraid to jump in. If that's the case, please stick around. In here, you can look at it all from a safe distance, and no one even has to know your here! Ah, the beauty of the web, huh? For all the crap you can get into, there is a lot of good in here as well.
  Over the next few days and weeks, I'll be posting some interesting info or tidbits that might answer some questions, but for the most part, it's just a long "tweet". What am I doing? How do I feel about...? What am I struggling with? and so on. I hope to break it up into the sections below, so see this as a template if you will. My thoughts are mostly unorganized so I need to not only write them down, but I need to categorize them as well. So this will be part of my journal or daily inventory process or just a plain ole blog, depending on the day and my mood. The only difference is, I'll hit the button and share. I need to do this anyway and it might help someone on the planet some day. If not, at least I'm entertaining myself and getting this stuff OUT!
  I will adhere to the "rules" of CR or AA and not attempt to tell you what you should do: We are here to support one another, not fix another. Since this is a one way conversation (at least so far), I should be able to: Keep my sharing focused on my own thoughts and feelings. I'm hoping to present a "day in the life". With Purpose.
  
  More often than not, it'll be in three parts:
  1. The Rant
  2. Step Back and Observe
  3. The Truth
  
  Hope you can get something out of it.
  
  Blessings,
  WA