I sometimes “reminisce” about what I accomplished when I indulged in self-medication. I remember most that feeling of escape we all hear so much about. I could close my door and keep the pain outside. Or so I thought. I could just wander into my nightly haze. Ignore the world that I was forced to live in during the day, and spend some time in Me-Land.
Basically...... avoiding reality.
It was if I slowly got used to the “control” I had over my feelings for the first time that day. I could adjust my intake of alcohol to achieve (what I thought was) the desired effect. It wasn’t just the “numbing out”, it was the perception of control over my reality that I craved.
I never allowed myself to go beyond the “comfort” of my own reality. No, cause out there in the real world, was panic attacks and people I couldn’t get along with no matter how hard I tried. It was a world that I had to put a face on for. I had to act my way through the day, until I couldn’t tell the difference between me and the act. If there ever really WAS a me.
There was an erosion of my ability to live the way God designed me. A building pressure, that I tried to control with substance intake. Raw nerves, that could not be exposed to fresh air, were submerged, 12 ounces at a time in a swamp of artificial “peace”. I craved calmness. Happiness. Understanding. Love.
How long did it take to arrive at this “peaceful” place every night? An hour? Two? Well, with the endorphins released in my brain at the 1st drink, I would say, instantly. I could feel myself being “fixed” from that 1st drink. I could let go of the mask, or so I thought. I could get out of people’s way and just relax. It was a quick fix. Never mind how emotionally unavailable I was. How I didn’t wanna be bothered. I never noticed that I wore a facade during those times too. Once of happiness. I still had to act.
Relationships can be the same way. Perhaps someone reading this feels as thought they can’t relate because they never had a chemical dependency. Maybe depression or anxiety issues, but not drinking or drugs. But dependency (in some ways) is dependency. Obsession is obsession. I’m not talking about any kind of physical dependency. This is emotional. It is far too easy to look to another person to show us our worth. We look for validation from someone just as flawed as we are. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love these people if they are close, intricate parts of our lives. We just need to look at others as EQUAL to us. Not worse, not better. When we are involved/engage in these relationships we need to ask what we are getting out of it. Not in a selfish way, but almost from ...neutral stand point. We don’t have the right to put that kind of weight (expectation) on another. We are basically holding them responsible for our happiness.
So if we do not suffer from a chemical dependency, we might instead suffer from relational dependency. Such as....If I can make my wife like the way I did the laundry, then I am a good husband. Or...If I point out all of the overtime I’m working, my husband won’t call me lazy.
Action: Working for acceptance. Desire: To feel good about myself. Source: Spouse
How is this not equal to-
Action: Drinking/Drug Desire: See above Source: Chemical
Those statements and a million like then, can take many people down a dark path. First of all, what if you CAN’T make your spouse like it? It’s a good question to ask, because we can’t MAKE anyone feel a certain way. Second, trying to make someone feel a certain way is manipulation. Who wants to say that they did a good job manipulating their spouse today? Are we really looking for them to admire us and our work? Why? I say because of our own insecurities. And if, by definition, we have insecurities, why do we not deal with them before unloading it all on a loved one? One word: Denial. What is denial? Another way of NOT living in reality. We are trying to construct our own, because the world’s reality isn’t good enough. The same as someone consuming drink/drugs.
I will alter things/people around me, in order to create the reality I want to live in. I will attempt to control my loved-one’s responses, by presenting myself the way I want to be seen. (In other words lie). I want things MY way. That is the only way I can put my head down at night and smile: If I have created the reality I want. If I can make someone say some thing nice about me or work myself into their good graces, then I have the right to feel good about myself.
I depends on what we’re “into”. If I can’t alter my perception of reality (chemical), they I will alter yours (puff myself up, lie, exaggerate, get angry, spend money I don’t have) to make you like me, so that I can like myself. In codependency, I cannot like or accept myself unless you do first. If you deny me that, then you are robing me of my drug of choice: Acceptance. If I don’t get my “fix” I might behave irrationally, get angry, become self-destructive, etc. I might harbor a new (or maybe just deeper resentment) toward you, because you are the one keeping my satisfaction from me. It’s all YOUR fault. From that point on, everything I do in the relationship can come out sideways. And my, poor spouse, boss, or friend will have NO idea what the hell is going on! Just like with a chemical. I am asking a flawed, imperfect source to provide for me what I cannot provide for myself: Validation. I’m probably not aware of it, because I’ve done it all my life. It feels as natural for me to behave this way as it does to breathe.
To make matters worse, what if the other person has similar issues? Thus begins a vicious cycle that never ends. We are asking for perfect acceptance from people that are no more perfect than we are. We are each getting on a faulty scale and expecting a perfect, accurate account of our weight!
We each were designed with needs that cannot be fulfilled by people. We were designed that way so that God would forever have a place in our lives. The only true validation and acceptance is from Him first. If we do not seek a relationship with Him, we will always be unfulfilled.
More later.......
