Obsession is obsession...

I sometimes “reminisce” about what I accomplished when I indulged in self-medication. I remember most that feeling of escape we all hear so much about. I could close my door and keep the pain outside. Or so I thought. I could just wander into my nightly haze. Ignore the world that I was forced to live in during the day, and spend some time in Me-Land.

Basically...... avoiding reality.

It was if I slowly got used to the “control” I had over my feelings for the first time that day. I could adjust my intake of alcohol to achieve (what I thought was) the desired effect. It wasn’t just the “numbing out”, it was the perception of control over my reality that I craved.

I never allowed myself to go beyond the “comfort” of my own reality. No, cause out there in the real world, was panic attacks and people I couldn’t get along with no matter how hard I tried. It was a world that I had to put a face on for. I had to act my way through the day, until I couldn’t tell the difference between me and the act. If there ever really WAS a me.

There was an erosion of my ability to live the way God designed me. A building pressure, that I tried to control with substance intake. Raw nerves, that could not be exposed to fresh air, were submerged, 12 ounces at a time in a swamp of artificial “peace”. I craved calmness. Happiness. Understanding. Love.

How long did it take to arrive at this “peaceful” place every night? An hour? Two? Well, with the endorphins released in my brain at the 1st drink, I would say, instantly. I could feel myself being “fixed” from that 1st drink. I could let go of the mask, or so I thought. I could get out of people’s way and just relax. It was a quick fix. Never mind how emotionally unavailable I was. How I didn’t wanna be bothered. I never noticed that I wore a facade during those times too. Once of happiness. I still had to act.

Relationships can be the same way. Perhaps someone reading this feels as thought they can’t relate because they never had a chemical dependency. Maybe depression or anxiety issues, but not drinking or drugs. But dependency (in some ways) is dependency. Obsession is obsession. I’m not talking about any kind of physical dependency. This is emotional. It is far too easy to look to another person to show us our worth. We look for validation from someone just as flawed as we are. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love these people if they are close, intricate parts of our lives. We just need to look at others as EQUAL to us. Not worse, not better. When we are involved/engage in these relationships we need to ask what we are getting out of it. Not in a selfish way, but almost from ...neutral stand point. We don’t have the right to put that kind of weight (expectation) on another. We are basically holding them responsible for our happiness.

So if we do not suffer from a chemical dependency, we might instead suffer from relational dependency. Such as....If I can make my wife like the way I did the laundry, then I am a good husband. Or...If I point out all of the overtime I’m working, my husband won’t call me lazy.

Action: Working for acceptance. Desire: To feel good about myself. Source: Spouse

How is this not equal to-

Action: Drinking/Drug Desire: See above Source: Chemical

Those statements and a million like then, can take many people down a dark path. First of all, what if you CAN’T make your spouse like it? It’s a good question to ask, because we can’t MAKE anyone feel a certain way. Second, trying to make someone feel a certain way is manipulation. Who wants to say that they did a good job manipulating their spouse today? Are we really looking for them to admire us and our work? Why? I say because of our own insecurities. And if, by definition, we have insecurities, why do we not deal with them before unloading it all on a loved one? One word: Denial. What is denial? Another way of NOT living in reality. We are trying to construct our own, because the world’s reality isn’t good enough. The same as someone consuming drink/drugs.

I will alter things/people around me, in order to create the reality I want to live in. I will attempt to control my loved-one’s responses, by presenting myself the way I want to be seen. (In other words lie). I want things MY way. That is the only way I can put my head down at night and smile: If I have created the reality I want. If I can make someone say some thing nice about me or work myself into their good graces, then I have the right to feel good about myself.

I depends on what we’re “into”. If I can’t alter my perception of reality (chemical), they I will alter yours (puff myself up, lie, exaggerate, get angry, spend money I don’t have) to make you like me, so that I can like myself. In codependency, I cannot like or accept myself unless you do first. If you deny me that, then you are robing me of my drug of choice: Acceptance. If I don’t get my “fix” I might behave irrationally, get angry, become self-destructive, etc. I might harbor a new (or maybe just deeper resentment) toward you, because you are the one keeping my satisfaction from me. It’s all YOUR fault. From that point on, everything I do in the relationship can come out sideways. And my, poor spouse, boss, or friend will have NO idea what the hell is going on! Just like with a chemical. I am asking a flawed, imperfect source to provide for me what I cannot provide for myself: Validation. I’m probably not aware of it, because I’ve done it all my life. It feels as natural for me to behave this way as it does to breathe.

To make matters worse, what if the other person has similar issues? Thus begins a vicious cycle that never ends. We are asking for perfect acceptance from people that are no more perfect than we are. We are each getting on a faulty scale and expecting a perfect, accurate account of our weight!

We each were designed with needs that cannot be fulfilled by people. We were designed that way so that God would forever have a place in our lives. The only true validation and acceptance is from Him first. If we do not seek a relationship with Him, we will always be unfulfilled.

More later.......

Easter...

One of the things I notice more and more in my recovery is the blessing of delayed gratification. As we were reminded in church today, God had and still has a plan. Nothing has changed. He isn't like me. He wouldn't start a blog and then get distracted and lose interest. He wouldn't set us aside, as I used to do my toys, and say, "I really love that, but right now it's boring". He does not leave things undone. He just doesn't always do them by my clock.

As we know, we don't always understand why we are subjected to the struggles that we face in this life. However, we will look back on them at some point and see God's work in them. They might be character building, or something we need to learn that we wouldn't have otherwise. It might just be that we have to wait until the conditions are correct for us before God can show His work. Like a perfect parent, He knows when to have us wait.

I think the same can be said for joy as well as struggle. I have gone through life beating myself up because I never seemed to enjoy...well....almost anything. I always wanted to, but nothing seemed to give me enough of a thrill to really enjoy it at the time. This is probably why I discovered alcohol and never could get enough! I wanted that "excitement" or "high" from life NOW!

I'm sure that having anxiety issue and panic attacks exacerbated the problem. I needed "medication" to feel what I WANTED to feel. Never taking notice of the great things that had gone on the day or week before. I was always too much of a high-strung mess to enjoy where I was.

I never reflected.

Today I was involved with the service at church. Like so many times lately, I was nervous and wanted to be perfect, but I knew that it would be fun and that it was important. I also began to instinctively put memories and conversations in my memory bank for later in the day. I came home and reflected on all that I had seen. The exhaustion from nerves took over and I needed to shut down and process the events for awhile. This was where I found the joy and happiness of being part of God's family.

Many of my current sorrows slipped away as I reflected on the wonderful people I interacted with. I felt the world fall away as I celebrated God's victory over death. Not just physical death, but the death I was stuck in. Where I wallow in my junk and think of myself as less than everyone else. That is spiritual death. And it will keep me in bondage if I don't identify it, deal with it and then let it go. I won't get it right most of the time and will have to try again tomorrow.

That's the great thing about being a follower of Christ: I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to act like I have it all together. I just need to be me.....and learn to enjoy it.

Peace,

WA

Who is my (family)?

Matthew 12: 46-48

⁴⁶ While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. ⁴⁷Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.”

⁴⁸ He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” ⁴⁹ Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. ⁵⁰ For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

It amazes me (in an appalling way) how quickly family can turn on family. Now I don't pretend to corner the market on family of origin strife, in fact I'm rather new to it. But when God begins to do work in me, people of my bloodline don't seem to like it.

I guess I'm still enough "of the world" to understand how weird it would seem to others if someone started chanting Scripture and dropping Jesus' name ever 3 sentences. I would still find that uncomfortable and maybe always will. But I didn't do that to anyone in my family. I did start to call things as I see them, regarding my recovery. I did put out there that there are risks to NOT acknowledging where we come from and how we were raised. But the first thing that these (so called) loved ones have done, is throw my faith in my face without me even bringing it up. Almost as if they were zig-zagging around that part of me and were waiting for it to come up and bite them in the ass. So at the first opportunity to criticize my "religion" they were more than ready to jump on it.

I guess what it comes down to is being overly defensive. Being afraid of something that isn't understood or accepted, and pouncing on it as soon as I voiced anything that opposed their point of view. I believe it comes from the same "fight or flight" instinct I have come to know in myself. I hate that reaction and I avoid it. But it's even more galling when it comes to those who I have known all of my life, who have insisted in the past that they love me.

It's almost as if I want the loving, caring people back who used to be there, instead of the closed minded (yes, c-l-o-s-e-d) unbending, NON-ACCEPTING, people who have taken their place. It makes me feel....alone. Abandoned by the ones I used to trust. Making me wonder if they were ever worthy of my trust or anyone else's.

I already know how these people shut themselves off from the rest of the world. You don't ever have to bother defending your argument if you never expose yourself to people who might come down on the other side of it. Convenient, huh? I wish I could still do that, sometimes. Unfortunately, I have to live in reality now. No wonder some people avoid it. Reality is no place for wimps.

Family members accuse me of "blaming" them for my problems. On the contrary, it is vital to my recovery to blame NO ONE. I have had my own spirit busted up by my decisions in this life. But is it "blaming" to call it what it is? To point out that there are things in the past that were unhealthy to a child? That those children still carry the lessons they learned into adulthood? Why would anything change?

I'm not naive. I know that this type of rejection comes from people not wanting to hear the truth. I guess my heart aches because I never thought it would be my "tough" family would avoid the issue at all costs. They were always so supportive when I lived inside the framework of their understanding. Now that I am beyond that, I'm a nothing. A nobody.

I have something I've never had before, though. I have brothers and sisters in Christ, who will be with me for eternity. They celebrate with me and they grieve with me. They pray for me and they understand me. This is what Jesus meant in the Scripture passage above. Why would I feel kinship to people who have not suffered what I have suffered? Why would I want to spend time with people who just don't "get it"? Those in recovery with me will listen and try to understand me. Those who are not, cannot deal with me unless they have all the answers ahead of time.

It's amazing that as you seek God's will in your life, the Bible becomes more and more true. Sometimes pretty: "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls", sometimes not: “Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. ²² You will be hated by everyone because of me......",

But it always comes true.

Peace and prayers

Triage

Triage–noun

1. the process of sorting victims, as of a battle or disaster, to determine priority in orderto

increase the number of survivors.

2. the determination of priorities for action in an emergency......

This is how I often look at the recovery process or our Biblical walk in general. There are many things that God wants to teach us, but "first things first". When soldiers are pulled from the battlefield, bloody and injured (some near death) they may arrive at a triage center first. Not so much to see who needs attention the quickest (although in the human realm this is a priority), but often to see which of their injuries need attention now, and which injuries can wait.

Some injuries, though serious, don't get treated until life threatening ones are taken care of. Setting a broken leg doesn't help me much if I'm bleeding to death! Both injuries occurred in the same battle, but the leg can wait. Right now, the bleeding must be stopped before I die. THIS is recovery in many situations.

God wised me up to the fact that I needed to stop drinking before I got myself killed. Working on my anger and resentment could wait until the "patient" was stabilized. Working on my low estimation of myself was something that was buried deep inside and could not be seen from the surface. The "surgeon" can go back in and pick out all the shrapnel AFTER I'm pulled back from the brink of death.

Sound too dramatic? Perhaps, but I don't think so. The battles we face on a daily basis are not always loud and explosive, but just as deadly. Being knocked down on the battlefield of life is not something that the world sees. It can be a very silent killer. We can die spiritually, or emotionally long before our heart stops beating. We can linger in misery on that battlefield for years before we finally "bleed out" and pass from this world without even being found by our comrades.

But for those of us who claw and drag our way onto "safer" ground and stagger into the triage center known as recovery or church, we have a chance. The key is, once we get help, stop trying to get off of the operating table! Let the Healer you sought do His job!

Peace and prayers,

WA

The believer/addict

I read some posts today where some people got into a discussion about what Scripture tells us about sin, addiction, renewal, and the Cross of Christ.

This made me get into the Bible and take a closer look. I hate questions that I don't have an intelligent answer to. I might be off base, but I'd rather educate myself and at least try to make sense. As I say all the time, I'm nowhere near being an expert on any of this, but I also have said that this blog is a a set of notes on MY journey.

So here goes......

The question was raised- Can we be In Christ and still sin?

That bothers me and I am constantly have to go back to God's word for reassurance that I'm on track (hmm..something He would want me to do?). I have to read the Word and then I go back and look for "key" words (reflecting on His word?). Then I will surely look at who wrote it and who it was specifically written too. (looking at His word as living history and knowing about the world and people around it at that time?)

Now the question (and it was a question, not an argument that's why I'm writing here and not where I saw it), that I heard asked, in my mind at least, centered around 1 John 3:3-10 Linked here-

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+3&version=NIV

and was used as an example that we could not (or may not) be In Christ and still go on sinning.

A quick glance at the "foreword" of the book in my study Bible yielded some interesting things right on the surface. For one, this book was written to believers, which kinda threw me. I thought it might have been to those who did NOT yet know Christ. Still, we do not know how long the church had been established or even which church it was meant for. (Many people much smarter than me think it was a circular letter sent out to many churches in Asia at the time). Regardless, I find this even more beautiful BECAUSE it was written to people who already know of and trust Jesus as their Lord and Savior! Essentially proving (in my mind) that Christians fail! And we probably fail ourselves far more than we fail others. There would be no need to write 1 John if Christians were perfect! And anyone in Christ based recovery would certainly not consider themselves perfect!

Are we In Christ when we sin? In my mind: No. Do we stop trusting in the work of the Cross when we sin? In that moment or in that area of our lives, perhaps. Have I lost my salvation? No. I do not believe that. If I come back to God with a repentant heart and confess what I did and ask for His forgiveness and help, does He ignore me? NO! I could do nothing to EARN my salvation in the first place, so how could I ever RE earn it??

More observation:

"Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure."

1 John3:3

I heard a Christian author say recently, There is no hope once we get to Heaven because hope will become reality (paraphrase). So having hope in Christ is for this life. I'll stand beside the living God in the next. When I hear about the unconditional love of God and His mercy and grace, I am reminded that this is what I am told to hold onto in this life, because for the time being, He is unseen.

I read that John was known for his contrasts when writing; i.e. dark vs. light, good vs. evil, sin vs. purity. Sounds like he had some of that black and white thinking going on that got me into recovery in the 1st place! Am I making fun of a Bible writer? No! A recurring theme in the Bible is how God used and still uses the imperfect and "unclean" for His work and His glory. His writing style doesn't leave a gray area and some may see me as "Luke warm" if I ask for one. I say that we live in a fallen world and anyone who thinks they will never sin again is the same as a person who denies he ever did. What does God say about that person? See here:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20John+1:10&version=NIV

Still more:

Moses loved God but didn't think much of His idea to have Moses lead the slaves out of Egypt. He disagreed? Blasphemy! Apparently not something the Lord held against Moses though, He still used him.

David and his sins? God called David a man after His own heart?

Paul (Saul) hunted down and killed Christians. But even though he came to believe and wrote tons of the New Testament, did he not still struggle with pride and anger?

No. We are a work in progress and we fight our sinFUL nature all of our lives. To not believe that is to "think you are standing firm..." and not considering that "...you (may) fall".

Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

In my mind and heart I cannot look at myself as having "arrived". I am "no longer a sinner"? Baloney. I am a sinner saved by grace. His grace. Not yours and not mine. I do not disagree with anything the Bible says, but I do have to look at context. If I think that I have it all figured out, then I am full of pride and that means sin. We believers, We followers of Christ have to FIGHT sin, not be absolved from it. If we were, we would have no need for what God seeks most: A relationship with each of us. To live in and remain in sin, is to not let Christ and His sanctification process into that area of my life. Period. But if I have no hope in Christ in this life, my present and future, why would I not go on sinning? The work of the Holy Spirit will convict me of sin, but not condemn me for it. He will continue to "will and to act according to his good purpose". Philippians 2:13

Prayers